I'M A bad mother and a failed person, if new theories about womanhood are true.
The problem with the 21st century is not economic crises, water shortages, lack of housing or political propaganda – it's female guilt.
Women – and mothers, in particular – are so confused about who we are and what we're supposed to be doing that we've ground to a collective halt and are doing nobody any good.
In the dark old days, long before our grandmothers burnt their bras, and loo fresheners, things were tough but clear. If you were born rich and beautiful, you'd be married off to whelp children and fatten the empire. If you were poor and ugly, you'd be married off to whelp children in order to pay taxes to rich people.
Men fought the wars, built things and signed treaties carving the world into bits and pieces. Women rolled their eyes and got on with milking the goats.
Nowadays, girls are evolved. We not only whelp children, but choose whichever darn chap we like – from any side of the tracks – to do it with. We have trust funds, run companies, shave (or not), drive really big cars and pass off Woolies's frozen stuff as our own, without batting a creamed eyelid.
Some of us cook from scratch, have six children and broker deals with male grey suits. Others choose not to use their wombs and, instead, travel the world and break the hearts of Latin lovers everywhere.
Spoilt for choice, we are. And yet, while we're doing all this, I'm still seeing marriages collapsing, gorgeous, sad women popping pills and teenagers giving their mothers lip – no matter how many books we've read about progressive parenting.
I'm also seeing more ads than ever about anti-ageing wonder potions, fat-reducing miracle corsets, lip plumpers, hair enhancers, mom-friendly toothpastes and chicken nuggets, and pretty much a million other "must-haves" targeted exclusively at us, the feminine masses who "have it all".
I'm over the multi-tasking goddess. It's an advertiser's dream – a fat pie of a lie that's lulled us all into believing that simply showing up on time, keeping our kids alive and maybe dyeing our hair every so often, isn't good enough.
Guilt is a modern girl's plague. It eats away at your self-esteem and leaves you hungry for cake, even if you're thin and not on a low-carb diet.
Babes, hear me now. There's always going to be someone smarter, thinner, happier or richer than you. End of story.
When next you feel that familiar flutter twisting your guts into a guilt fest, close your eyes and remember even Paris Hilton goes to the loo.
Toilet humour is the great equaliser. Use it well.